It's the question on everyone's lips

If you are the sort of person that enjoys the British TV show Skins or the musical stylings of Britney Spears then you’ll be wanting to spend a bit of time at this here website. At least, that’s what my search engine traffic seems to suggest.

Well over 2,000 visitors have found themselves at this blog after typing the word ‘skins’ into their search engine of choice and well over a 1,000 more have stopped by after searching for ‘britney spears’.

In reality, if you were in search of meaningful material about either subject you would be sorely disappointed.

My only mention of E4’s Skins was a short review of the show, republished here after appearing as a Daily Proposition in Crikey’s Daily Mail. Similarly, my only substantial mention of Britney Spears was a less-than-flattering examination of her on-stage antics some years ago.

So why is this happening and why should you care?

In answer to the former, well, it’s just the way search engines work. To simplify the process somewhat, search engines trawl through websites like this, compile a list of keywords that are attached to pages and articles and then add this information to a whopping great big database. Then, when a user searches for their favourite pop star, the search engine checks to see which sites mention the entertainer in question and suggests those sites to the searcher.

For over 2,000 people that searched for Skins and over 1,000 that searched for Britney Spears, this site would have been listed as a potentially relevant source of information.

Google’s folly aside, why should you care?

Well, let’s just say that search engine traffic can be a pretty hilarious beast.

As well as attracting readers who happen to be searching for a pop star or TV show I’ve mentioned at one point or another, there are some, shall we say, more unexpected search results driving traffic toward A Cursory Glance…

The phrase ‘hermaphrodite images genitalia’ is not one that I tend to make frequent use of in casual conversation and it’s certainly not one that I remember publishing. But while this particular phrase never appeared on the site in its entirety, it’s certainly true that I’ve used all three of those words before, albeit in completely different contexts.

It would seem that the unrelated use of the words ‘hermaphrodite’, ‘images’ and ‘genitalia’ were enough to drive at least one curious reader to this site. One can only assume they would have been rather disappointed.

In a similar vein, the search term ‘stephanie bendixsen lesbian’ has driven a number of ambitious readers this way and, as with the previous example, I suspect the result would have been rather underwhelming. I’ve certainly mentioned Good Game‘s Hex before and the word ‘lesbian’ has also been used but the combination of both is not something I’ve ever had reason to publish.

But perhaps the most entertaining search term to have deposited someone on my digital doorstep was: ‘Is Karl Stefanovic circumcised?’

The thing I like most about this particular search is that it’s clear someone actually wants to know whether or not Karl Stefanovic is circumcised. If the search had been ‘karl stefanovic circumcised’ you could argue they were searching for a video of Mr Stefanovic talking about circumcision, or something similar, but the way the search term is phrased – as a simple yes/no question – seems to leave little doubt.

For those that aren’t familiar with Channel Nine’s International Man of Misery©, Mr Stefanovic is the network’s go-to guy when it comes to on-the-ground ‘reporting’ of natural disasters. As Perth Now points out, Mr Stefanovic seems to have an unhealthy penchant for lobbing into disaster zones: he was there when Cyclone Yasi was wreaking havoc up north, he was on the ground when Christchurch was being torn apart, and he was doing his thing over in Japan after the earthquake/tsunami/nuclear-threat triple-header.

Again, there is a clear reason why a search term like ‘Is Karl Stefanovic circumcised’ takes readers to my blog. In one particular post I happened to mention Mr Stefanovic in passing and in a separate article I argued that women should probably avoid asking their male partners to get circumcised. The combination of these two articles (and their relevant keywords) provided a curious reader with a brief moment of hope.

Honestly though, did this curious individual actually expect to find an answer to their question? Were they hoping to stumble upon something like www.cgradecelebritycircumcisions.com? Or perhaps they were hoping for www.foreskinfinder.com.au?

In any event, it’s good to know that readers can find my site with a simple Google search. Now all I need to do is start saying something worth reading about…

For those that were fortunate enough to miss my torrent of Twitter and Facebook spam two weeks ago, I had an article published on News Limited’s opinion website, The Punch. The silly little piece about Channel Seven’s new US-import Hung attracted criticism from a large percentage of the 84 readers that commented, leaving me feeling a little despondent.

As well as attracting a whole slew of comments, the Hung piece also attracted the attention of one reporter at the Sydney Morning Herald. She was keen to find out more about my distate for the show and after interviewing me over the phone, my comments made it to her story the next day.

Keen to get another article in The Punch as soon as possible, I penned another piece, this one critical of the Nine Network’s choice of programming. Nine’s RBT, a show about random breath testing (hence the ultra-stylish acronym), premieres tomorrow night and I thought it a worthy target of some sarcasm-laden criticism.

The folks at The Punch said the piece was good and that they would get back to me on Thursday about publishing it on Friday. I didn’t hear back from them and I’m not quite sure why; it’s not like there was a major political story unfolding that day or anything.

So, without further ado, here’s episode two of ‘The Discarded’, ‘Front-line heroes…’

With around a third of Australian road fatalities being directed related to drink-driving and with millions of drivers being breath tested every year, you’d think that people would start to realise that drink driving might be a bad idea. Apparently not, given that the percentage of alcohol-related road fatalities has remained constant over the last two decades.

This Sunday, with the premiere of their snappily-titled reality show RBT, the Nine Network will do their bit in the fight against drink-driving. Or, to put it another way, Nine will now start capitalising on people’s inability to separate the acts of alcohol consumption and motor vehicle control.

For those that are a little confused by Nine’s trendy acronym use, RBT stands for Random Breath Testing; a decidedly less marketable title you might agree. According to a press release from Nine, the “compelling new series goes behind the lines of the NSW Police force on breath testing operations”.

While it’s true that RBT is a “new” series for Nine, the idea of going behind the scenes of a public department or service is about as original as the songs being played by the cover band at your local watering hole. The “front-line heroes” formula has produced a number of forgettable shows for the commercial networks in the last few years; Ten’s Bondi Rescue, Nine’s Customs and Seven’s essentially-xenophobic Border Security, just to name a few.

The “front-line heroes” show is a close cousin of the “feel-good” reality show, examples of which include Seven’s RSPCA Animal Rescue, the soppy Find My Family and Nine’s equally emotional Random Acts of Kindness. Both genres are in the business of thriving on their emotional impact; the “front-line heroes” show drawing strength from a feeling of pride in the admirable work done by our community services, the “feel-good” show drawing us in with the promise of tears and emotional fulfilment.

As well as drawing respectable audiences such shows have the added bonus of being very cheap for their respective networks to produce. After all, why bother paying someone to write and create an original show when there’s money to be made by sending a crew to film the everyday workings of an existing department or service?

While I’m not nearly important enough to get my hands on an advanced copy of RBT, I have been privy to the fleeting promos for the show’s upcoming premiere. And, while this isn’t a review of the show, I’m willing to hazard a couple of educated guesses at what one might see, should they decide to tune in to RBT in its run on Nine;

What you will see

-          A disproportionately high number of drivers being caught under the influence of drugs and alcohol

-          Nine hamming up the “front-line heroes” angle

-          At least one concerned-looking police officer proselytising about how “kids these days think they’re invincible”

-          Commercial breaks featuring the latest alcohol-awareness ads

What you won’t see

-          The overwhelming majority of Australian breath tests that show drivers to be free of alcohol or drugs.

-          Commercial breaks full of Carlton Draught and Victoria Bitter ads

-          A nuanced analysis of what makes people decide to drink-drive

So as we head into the weekend and many of you head to after-work drinks I’d like to propose a toast to the 33 per cent of Australians who have admitted to drink driving. Without you lovely folk providing work for breath testing officers we wouldn’t have the likes of RBT on Australian TV.

Cheers.

Update: Once the dust had settled on the Labor leadership spill, the folks at The Punch got back to me and said they still wanted to run the piece. So, I tracked down the first episode of RBT on the Nine Network’s website, had a watch and re-wrote the piece. The finished product is now online at The Punch.

In the world of five-star hotels the serving of breakfast seems to be inextricably linked with the serving of breakfast television. Until a few weeks ago our news-tainment provider of choice was Channel Seven’s Sunrise, hosted by dynamic duo Kochie and Mel. Nowadays, at the behest of “the man”, we fill our restaurant with the sounds of Karl Stefanovic and Lisa Wilkinson of Channel Nine’s Today. According to the powers that be within our reputable establishment, Nine’s breakfast offering is “better” than Seven’s. It isn’t exactly clear what “better” means in this context but I’m willing to hazard a few guesses.

Perhaps the celebrity gossip on Today is “better” than the gossip featured on Sunrise. Perhaps the advertising spots on Today are of far greater quality than those seen on Sunrise. Or maybe it’s Today‘s ability to sensationalise recent news stories better than Sunrise that makes it the pick of the breakfast viewing.

On yesterday morning’s edition of Today the team ran a story about the recent stabbing death of 12 year old Brisbane boy Elliot Fletcher. The story began with several parents discussing the apparent increase in violence in Australian schools before cutting to host Lisa Wilkinson reading through a list of incidents that demonstrated such an increase. As if Today‘s angle on this story wasn’t clear enough already, they concluded the story by “interviewing” Norm Hart of the Queensland Association of State School Principals.

As a journalism student I have been taught that interviews should consist largely of “open” questions rather than questions which lead the interviewee to a specific answer or force a simple “yes” or “no” answer. In the case of the story in question, something like the following might have been appropriate;

“What does the recent stabbing death of Elliot Fletcher tell us about safety in our schools?”

But no. Apparently that line of questioning is a little too boring for Ms. Wilkinson who decided to go with something a little different;

“Should parents be worried as they send their kids off to school this morning?”

To Mr Hart’s credit he participated in the interview as well as could be expected given that he need not have been there at all. I mean, why would you bother inviting someone to give their expert opinion on an issue if, when concluding the interview, you are going to completely disregard everything that they’ve said thus far?

“Understandably a lot of parents (are) not feeling that’s the case today but we do thank you very much for your time this morning”.

Sure, you could probably argue that Lisa Wilkinson isn’t technically a journalist in her role as co-host of Today but if you are presenting news items and interviewing relevant authority figures related to said items, then surely some minimum standards of journalistic integrity must apply? You know, like presenting information in an rational and objective way rather than trying to sensationalise important issues.

Let’s keep things in perspective here – a 12 year old boy getting stabbed to death while at school is truly horrific and of real concern to parents and teachers alike but that doesn’t mean that kids around the country are suddenly unsafe at school. There are a lot of kids going to a lot of schools on a lot of days of the year, I hardly think a couple of isolated incidents of school yard violence are cause to keep the kids at home.

But it’s all about the kids. The mainstream media loves nothing more than a “kids are at risk” story but most of the time such stories are dependant on deliberate scaremongering in order to provoke emotional responses from concerned parents. That’s not to say that the issues at hand aren’t important, they should just be dealt with rationally and in a considered fashion.

Speaking of fashion, most people know of Miley “Hannah Montana” Cyrus but far fewer would be aware of her younger sister, Noah. Nor should they be because Noah is a little girl of 10 years old – not that you would know it from her choice of attire.

In October of last year Miley’s younger sister “made headlines” when she donned a “dominatrix-inspired” costume for Halloween celebrations and in the last couple months there have been rumours circulating of a lingerie line being released by junior Cyrus and her friend Emily Grace Reaves. Thankfully such rumours appear to be false and the clothing company in question, Ooh! La! La! Couture, seems to make tutus with tanktops rather than girls’ lingerie.

Noah Cyrus is only one example of an apparent shift toward the sexualisation of young girls and social commentators like Mia Freedman have written extensively on this issue. To a significant percentage of the community, young girls dressing and acting as if they were far older results in the corruption of childhood and the premature loss of innocence. “They are growing up too fast”, the older generations often remark, with advertising, the media and the internet often copping the blame.

Regardless of one’s own thoughts on this issue, it’s hard to deny that it is an issue that a lot of people feel very strongly about. While the solution to the problem isn’t as easy as banning the sale of lingerie for young girls, for example, it’s clear that parents have an important role to play. If you are concerned about your little girl growing up too fast then it’s probably not a good idea to let them watch Beyonce film clips at six years old.

The mainstream media has an important role to play as well. Rather than the aforementioned scaremongering that the commercial networks love to fill their “current affairs” and breakfast shows with, there should be a greater focus on programs that facilitate meaningful discussion about serious issues. The ABC’s Q & A is a perfect example of such a program and it makes for brilliant viewing.

The weekly show features a panel of expert guests who discuss topical issues as directed by the audience and moderated by one of Australia’s greatest interviewers, Tony Jones. Of course he isn’t “Australia’s best interviewer” because that mantle belongs to Tracy Grimshaw of Nine’s A Current Affair. Step aside Andrew Denton, stop tryin’ Kerry O’Brien, Ms. Grimshaw has you both covered…

As bushfires continue to tear through bushland, homes and communities in south-eastern Australia, the national and international communities have rallied behind the Victorian people. The BBC and CNN have both dedicated the front pages of their respective websites to coverage of the crisis, and the leaders of numerous countries have contacted the Australian and Victorian governments offering their condolences and/or assistance in the rebuilding efforts. Amid all the heartbreak and suffering that has erupted from the fires it is truly inspiring to see the extent to which people are banding together in support of those that have been affected. The occasion of tonight’s One Day International cricket match between Australia and New Zealand was used to stage a major fundraising effort, with an incredible $6 million raised. In the first two days of the Victorian Bushfire Fund, public donations alone reached $30 million, which didn’t include corporate or government donations.

Despite the amazing generosity and goodwill of people around the country and indeed around the world, the disaster has brought out the worst in many people, or so Channel Nine would have us believe. On their late-night news update this evening we saw one reporter interview a guy who was lucky enough not to lose his house but who, Channel Nine were more than eager to tell us, was going to stay home for fear of his personal belongings being taken by looters. In fact, the angle taken by the Channel Nine reporter seemed to be entirely spin, given that the gentleman in question described in some detail how he still had everything he needed at home, so he might as well stay – the bit about the looters seemed more of an afterthought. But of course, a bloke having a bit of a feed in front of the telly with his missus ain’t a great story. Blokes comin’ onto ya land and stealing shit, well that’s real human drama. Unless it isn’t actually the case.

And while we are on the topic of Channel Nine, do we really need to be convinced that people are suffering? As a student of the news, journalism and the media in general I’ve learnt a few things along the way. One of those things is that the news is supposed to be used to inform the masses – keep people updated with the goings-on around the place. You know, news. Channel Nine seem to think that ‘news’ means creating some slick, over-produced package which is powered by the strength of human emotion. Sure, it’s sad that people have lost their lives, no one is doubting that, but you don’t need to tell us that it is sad. Using words like ‘torment‘, ‘suffering‘, ‘apocalypse‘, ‘battlefield‘ and constructing your news bulletins from nothing more than interviews with grief-stricken people telling their stories of woe is not news, it is entertainment. Think of it as a movie if you will; you have your beginning – Victoria suffers through an unprecedented heatwave leading to multiple deadly bushfires – you have your middle – hundreds of people die and thousands are left mourning for those they have lost – and you have your as-yet-unrealised happy ending – the fires burn out and, thanks to the unbelievable generosity of people everywhere, the decimated communities are rebuilt. You have your heroes – CFA, DSE, the State and Federal Governments, depending on your opinion – and you have your villains – firebugs, Satan, Mother Nature, the State and Federal governments, depending on your opinion. As the film plays out, the audience is kept enthralled by the unfolding human drama, the shocking images of communities burnt to the ground, and most importantly, the videos of distraught people who have lost loved ones, houses or both.

You see, this isn’t news. News doesn’t tell people what to think – it doesn’t tell people that they should feel sad for those who have suffered, or angry at those who would potentially steal the belongings of others in the ensuing chaos. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t feel sad for some people and angry at others but we don’t need to be told to feel those emotions – the enormity of the situation, the shocking images and videos and the statistics do the job already. That is, good news tells us the facts – what has happened, when, how, why and to whom – it doesn’t cast judgement, instead allowing the audience that privelege – and finally, good news is objective – it doesn’t put a emotional spin or a slant on a story in order to capture or entertain an audience.

But, as always, there is someone else far more worthy of derision and abuse than the would-be Hollywood film studios/commercial television networks. Meet Pastor Danny Nalliah. This genius, a Pentecostal church leader and the man behind ‘Catch the Fire Ministries’ has declared that the Victorian bushfire crisis is the direct result of the ‘Decriminalisation of Abortion Bill’ being passed through State Parliament late last year. Yep, you read it correctly, and if you don’t believe me, check it out for yourself. For those of you who can’t be arsed reading through the media release I’ll give you the condensed version. Mr Nalliah was apparently dreaming his little Pentecostal dreams one night last year when suddenly everything changed and all he could see was ‘fire everywhere with flames burning very high and uncontrollably’. His good mate God was good enough to send His Spirit down to interpret the dream, using the following words; ‘(God’s) conditional protection has been removed from the nation of Australia, in particular Victoria, for approving the slaughter of innocent children in the womb’. Therefore, after seeing the widespread fires in Victoria and remembering his dream from last year, Mr Nalliah came out this week and publicly announced that the bushfire crisis is God’s way of punishing us for legalising abortion.

Is there anyone out there that actually thinks this is a good thing to say? Hundreds of people are dead, thousands are without homes and this bloke reckons that it’s an opportune time to preach bullshit lies about how we should feel guilty for giving women a choice when it comes to what they do or don’t do with their own bodies? I’ve heard of some fairly ordinary people saying some fairly ordinary things but you, Mr Nalliah, are right up there with the best of them. I mean, let’s just throw all human decency, rationality and reasoning to the side for a moment and assume that Mr Nalliah is correct in thinking that God exists and is punishing Victoria for adopting measures that decriminalise abortion – what kind of God is he proposing? Are we to believe that God, who loves us oh-so dearly (Deuteronomy 23:5), hates us legalising abortion so much that he would kill hundreds of innocent people and displace thousands more? That doesn’t sound like the sort of God that I would want to spend my life idolising, dedicating my time to, or having anything to do with, at all. And what’s this about us being ‘open for the devil to destroy’? Why is it that God is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving and yet sometimes the devil just manages to sneak past God’s watch and, you know, kill hundreds of people? What? God let the devil do it because we deserved it? Oh ok, that makes perfect sense.

Still, it’s all good because Mr Nalliah is going to ‘spearhead an effort to provide every assistance to devastated communities’. Here’s a better idea Mr Nalliah – why don’t you spear your own head, shut your fucking mouth, and do as the name of your ministry suggests and ‘catch the fire’, or was that catch on fire. You know, like those 200 other people did when they ‘turned (their) back(s) on Him, (becoming) an open target for the devil to destroy‘…

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last couple days, there have been a few of the ol’ bush fires around. In the days preceding yesterday’s extreme weather conditions, the Bureau of Meteorology had been predicting the highest fire danger in the state’s history. This is one prediction that they surely wouldn’t have minded getting wrong but alas, they were spot on. Temperatures in Melbourne reached 46.4 degrees celcius, with 47.9 degrees apparently recorded in Avalon. You have to feel a certain degree of pity for those Jetstar passengers who, thinking that they were flying to ‘Melbourne’, arrive at a tiny airstrip an hour’s drive from their destination only to be confronted with the highest temperatures in the state’s history and 100kph winds. Welcome to Victoria.

All silliness aside, it truly has been a horrific couple of days for all those affected by the bushfires and with the death-toll well on it’s way to 100, the events of the last couple days have almost been as deadly as 1939′s ‘Black Friday’ and ‘Ash Wednesday’ combined.
For those of us sitting in air-conditioned houses far from the many fires burning around the state, it is hard to imagine what it must be like to lose everything you have ever owned in just a matter of minutes. We look on with sadness and anguish as our fellow Victorians suffer. We also look on with great admiration and respect toward the tens of thousands of women and men, mostly volunteers, who have given countless hours to fighting the fires, organising relief efforts and supporting the many that have suffered as a result of the fires.

It is in testing times such as these that the difference in quality between the various media outlets becomes most obvious. Where ABC radio in Victoria dedicated it’s entire Saturday to live courage and updates on the fire situation, keeping listeners informed and aware, the commercial television networks’ dramatic coverage play like a cheesy horror film. Words like ‘inferno’, ‘nightmare’, ‘post-apocalyptic’, ‘war zone’ and ‘hell on earth’ are bandied around like they are going out of fashion. One woman on Channel Nine’s coverage this evening even referred to the devestation around her home as being ‘like the Holocaust’.

Furthermore, while interviewing people who have lost everything in the fires might be good to give everyone else a bit of perspective on the issue, surely a bit of sensitivity would be the order of the day? I refer to a specific incident during Channel Seven’s news bulletin last night in which a reporter was interviewing a gentleman who had lost his home and nearly his life in the fire. Obviously quite distressed,the gentleman told the story of how his home had been lost in the flames, before he promptly broke into tears. The reporter replied with the question ‘how are you travelling?‘ Well, I’ve got a couple of ideas. The bloke has just lost his house in the worst bushfires in recorded history and has subsequently broken down into a sobbing mess while explaining the obviously painful situation on camera. But no, he’s doing great, thanks for asking.

Potentially worse than using distraught people in order to create a compelling news package full of human drama is the sort of parochialism that commercial networks are famous for.
Last night, during Channel Seven’s coverage of the bushfires, anchor Jennifer Kyte spent a good ten minutes of the bulletin speaking to a colleague of hers whose house and wife were under threat from the fires, prefaced with the puzzling and almost offensive remark ‘the fires do not discriminate, I speak now with my fellow Channel Seven reporter, …’ (So by virtue of being a reporter with Channel Seven this reporter should, by rights, be less susceptible to suffering, a right which the bushfires somehow circumvented?)

The clearly distressed reporter explained to Kyte and those watching that he had no idea if his house would survive the blaze and, in between ferocious sobs, explained that his wife’s fate was also unknown. Now I don’t mean to sound harsh – I’m sure the reporter was genuinely mortified at the prospect of losing his wife and to a lesser extent his home – but the scenario faced by the gentleman in question was by no means unique and it is only by virtue of his employment with Channel Seven that the aforementioned interview made it to air. Would Channel Seven have aired a ten minute segment for every man who was worried about losing his home and/or wife? I think we know the answer to that one.

The Channel Nine ‘family’ appears to have suffered to an even greater extent, losing former anchorman Brian Naylor to the fire burning in and around Kinglake. Much like Channel Seven the previous evening, Nine spent the best part of fifteen minutes this evening reporting on the apparent death of Naylor, the two reporters in question remarking how ‘he always had his phone on and we had a sick feeling in our stomachs as we called him on our way up the mountain and he didn’t answer’, how great a bloke he was, and how ‘there was no way he would have left his wife’s side‘. I don’t doubt that he will be sorely missed and that Channel Nine felt a responsibility to honour their past champion, but what about the other 83 people who are confirmed dead? How many ‘good blokes’ are among that lot? Where is their fifteen minutes of fame? How many other people have tried to call family and friends and been confronted with chillingly happy answering machine messenges?

The real vitriol should perhaps be directed at the arsonists who are allegedly responsible for a number of the fires. One of the largest of the fires, the one responsible for Brian Naylor’s death, was allegedly lit by an arsonist and has now taken over a dozen lives and around 500 homes. It takes a special kind of person to light a fire in a thickly forested area like that, knowing that extreme temperatures and heavy winds will spread the blaze beyond control. Premier Brumby recently announced a dramatic increase in jail sentences for those that start fires – from two years up to the current sentence of 15 years – and for those that start fires that result in the loss of life, 25 years behind bars can be expected.

To everyone affected by the fires of the last couple days, our thoughts are with you and we hope for a speedy end to your suffering. To the people of Marysville and Kinglake, we wish you all the best during the slow and painful rebuilding process and we look forward to visiting you and your amazing communities again soon…